It's not FanFiction, but....

[Takeshi]

I'm writing a story, because I have a whole plot for it. I could do with some opinions.
This summary is a little cut down, but it gives the basic idea...

Chapter 1- Daphne explains
Opens with their current room, and then explains why they’re there
5 teenagers chosen to develop into great assassins to work for the government
Daphne discovered the truth and her and Seth persuade everyone to escape. Stef died and Daphne was poisoned trying to save him.
They’d travelled for a few days and reached the room in which they were resting now.

Chapter 2- Seth discusses relationships
He can’t sleep so he’s looking around the room
First his eyes set on Theo, and he tells how he and Theo are always competing but Theo’s stronger
Next is Liz, and how she’s quiet and shy, and also the one who can make Theo shut up and behave, but always seems to be the one who ends up the worst off
Daphne, the techie, is bossy and violent, but she gives good advice too.

Chapter 3- Theo wakes up earliest
He wakes up, and not long after hears some strange noises.
Daph won’t wake up so Seth suggests Theo carries her. Liz agrees, so he does.
They run, a few adults are following them but they lose them in the maze-like corridors and lock themselves in what appears to be a broom cupboard.

Chapter 4- They get separated, Liz with Seth
Theo insisted on going to look for the humans and for once wouldn’t listen to Liz
It’s after Theo leaves that they realise Daphne has been left somewhere, and they are alone in the cupboard.
Eventually, Liz kisses Seth

Chapter 5- Theo is persuaded
Theo goes searching for the adults and finds them
He follows them down a corridor stealthily but they realise
They capture him and try to persuade him to betray his friends and kill Seth
He refuses, so they torture him

Chapter 6- Seth leads Liz out of the cupboard
They decide they should try and find Daph, so they venture out
They set off a trap and nearly get themselves killed by lasers
They run, the lasers follow

Chapter 7- Daphne wakes up
Realises she is alone, and not where she fell asleep.

Chapter 8- Theo returns
He appears at the end of a corridor and nearly gets shot by a laser
Seth saves him and loses the use of his left arm. He’s left handed.
There is much angst as Seth is glad Theo is back

Chapter 9- Daphne seeks them out
She runs down a lot of corridors until she meets Liz
Liz says Theo is looking after Ste, who is injured
Daphne and Liz come across an unattended computer and find a map
They plan a route out

Chapter 10- Seth has a near death experience
Theo dresses his wound but is acting odd
Seth questions him, Theo lies
Theo tries to kill him; Seth rolls out of the way
There is a fight and both of them end up weaponless
Seth asks why Theo dressed his wound, fair fight

Chapter 11- Theo’s angst
Theo recounts the story of his torture to Seth:
- They put him through a lot of pain
- They threatened to blind him
- They threatened to kill Seth themselves
- Seth demanded to know why they wanted Seth dead
- They explained that Seth would be the one to kill them all

Chapter 12- Liz and Daphne’s return
They walk in on the angst
Liz sees Seth in pain and runs to his side
Daphne asks Theo why and Theo refuses to answer
Liz asks Daphne to take Seth outside while she and Theo talk
Liz rebukes Theo and lectures him on how they have to stick together, not knowing about Theo’s torture
Theo just says “I know.”

Chapter 13- Daphne takes charge
Daphne reveals to the others her knowledge of the map
She creates a plan for their escape and gives orders
They set off

Chapter 14- Seth’s part of the plan
Seth accepts his fate and heads into the HQ
He sets off a decoy trap, escapes from it and then assassinates one adult

Chapter 15- Theo and Daphne in the control room
Theo watching the video of Seth slaying everyone
Daphne tries to take Theo away from the screen but Theo refuses
Theo destroys the control room himself while Daphne, resigned, keeps watch.
They run to meet Liz

Chapter 16- Liz is opening the gate
Tapping in the code frantically that she has written on her hand
An adult shows up behind her and holds a knife to her throat.
Her moment! She kicks ass, but can’t bring herself to kill the adult, so knocks him out
She manages to open the door just in time to see the explosion from the control room

Chapter 17- Daphne saves Theo
Theo had lost control and gone overboard, the electricity caused an explosion
Daphne scrambles in the rubble and manages to pull a half-conscious Theo out
Seth arrives

Chapter 18- Seth carries Theo
Daphne carries Theo as they follow her map and head towards the door
Daphne loses strength and has to stop
Seth insists he carries Theo
Theo wakes up without Seth knowing and whispers “I’m sorry,” in his ear before passing out again

Chapter 19- Theo wakes. The door
Seth puts Theo down but he can’t walk
Seth picks Theo up again and tries to carry him to the door but with one arm isn’t strong enough
Theo tells Seth to leave him
Seth refuses but Theo insists

Chapter 20- Liz watching
Liz and Daphne on the other side of the door looking through, it starts to close
Liz screams for Theo and Theo stands up long enough to shove Seth through the door
Seth tries to go back in but Daphne holds him back and they watch as the door is consumed by flames.

[PanNarrans]

I'm interested in the premise. If I understand it right, the government (British? American? Alternate world? Unknown?) wants teenage assassins, or to train people as assassins from a young age. So they incarcerate them in an institute - which is pretty massive, if they can be travelling for a few days in the same building - and teach them stuff. The kids find out, rebel, fight and angst a lot and then set the place on fire.

I'd be quite interested in characterising the antagonists. Why do they want teenage assassins? How do all the ordinary guards feel about the project, and the way things have gone wrong?

[Takeshi]

Yeah, I'm thinking an alternative universe type thing, where the government are this sort of.. controlling power- a Hobbesian government that's gone power crazy, if you know anything about Hobbes's theories? The institute would be underground and yes, epically massive. Plus the fact that they fight and rest a lot, which slows them down.
You've pretty much got the story summarised there XD

The antagonists are just sort of... outlines in my mind at the moment. The need for teenage assasins is because when they're young they're easier to influence, if taken in at an age when they don't care much about what the government is doing they're less likely to feel betrayed by a government taking them in to keep control. The reason there's only 5 (4 in the actual story) is because they were pilotting the system, but as for the other details I haven't really thought about them.

[PanNarrans]

Yup, I know Hobbes, although any government is Hobbesian - unless you take it strictly, in which case only an absolute monarchy is.
I like it, and it sounds fun to write. Something that makes me a bit wary is where it says 'they discuss relationships' - it's better to show, not tell, and it seems a bit odd that they'd stop for a talk about feelings in the middle of all the running and hiding.

[Takeshi]

Yeah, I'm thinking a particularly strict Hobbesian I can do whatever the hell I want if I can stop you doing anything about it and I can pass it off as protecting you type thing.

Well the idea was more as Seth looks around the room while he's awake and everyone else is sleeping and has little flashbacks as he looks at each person, sort of, little reminiscing moments about the parts of their time so far that Daphne hasn't mentioned, and in that you can clearly see their relationships with each other as well as getting a little bit more info about their past

[PanNarrans]

That kind of framing device could work well, but it's usually better to reveal that kind of info gradually, and show it through their actions, rather than as part of a big expository lump.

[Takeshi]

Hmm... I suppose.. but I don't know how I'd incorporate that into the story- I mean, their relationships and feelings are pretty clear about each other but there's a few things to tell about the characters that wouldn't just fit in I don't think... Hmm, I'll have a think about it.